Online dating is normality now. What are some red flags you should avoid?
- shirtless selfies not at the beach/pool
- photos showing him with children without their faces blurred
- minimal profile with “ask” instead of filling with information
- “Conservative” or “devoted Christian”
- implying a first date at their place
- “I’ll pick you up!”
I think the worst profiles I’ve found are the ones that list who they don’t want – which, surprise surprise, is often an independent woman who’s got a personality and decision making skills.
I’ve found more than one insulting feminists and a guy who stated in capital letters “MAKE WOMEN GREAT AGAIN.”
All in all, a lot of yikes. It is a hellscape out there. Stay safe.
Yep! Worst of that I ever saw said “Do NOT contact me if you don’t meet the following criteria” which included “stunningly attractive /beautiful, slim/athletic build” and various independent woman factors. It all rang true, not tongue in cheek… he really was that bad
A lot of women put demands like that though.
And photos that are 20 years out of date. Not joking here. Turned up for one date and she was at least 20 years older than the photo. The excuse was ‘I didn’t have a recent one’. She had one of her cat though. When she found out I didn’t own my own house, she want interested.
I met my husband on Plenty of fish. I dont know about red flags, because the obvious have been pointed out.
But in my first conversation with him on the app was just him sharing photos of his cat. I thought it was super corny but rolled with it, because I love cats, who doesn’t, and I had just rescued a cat (first time pet owner) a few months prior myself. I definitely remember thinking, this dude is a corn ball, though.
We texted a few weeks about everything and anything. He never disappeared for days or weeks, we texted constantly. He never brought up sex, or any sexy talk in that time. Completely respectful, we chatted like good friends.
Then on our first date we went on a really long walk, and I felt safe enough to go back to his place where I got to meet his cat. It was then, I noticed how much he spoiled his cat. It was beyond sweet. He babies this boy, told me how he was the only kitten to survive his litter, how he spent thousands at the vet when he was a kitten, even sleeping with the kitten on the bathroom floor for weeks while they went through it. And now grown, the kitty was just a massive ahole just as cats should be.
He also never pressured me for anything physical. Not once did he ever make an objective comment about me other than “You look nice, you have pretty eyes”. We did goodbye hugs for the first, idk, 3-4 weeks of dating. I initiated the first kiss around week 4/5. Then he took me on a weekend trip to the beach where we made “us” official and we slept together the first time. Amazing.
Green flags everywhere.
Anyway, our 8 year anniversary is next fall, and its all because I saw how much he loved and cared for his cat.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story.
For me? Having a dating profile. 🤣
More seriously:
- Anything manosphere-reeking. Instant “no go zone”.
- Emphasis on looks over personality (both in himself and in his descriptions of who he’s looking for).
- Inability to articulate.
- No sign of any kind of intellectual life: everything’s physical.
- Any mention of a recent ex. Sorry, but that’s a minefield I’m not crossing ever again.
Yup to all that!
I’d add to that that if you do send a message that’s well thought out and light hearted, and they send back something lazy and/or thoughtless, then don’t bother replying.
I’ve fortunately never had to use online dating apps myself, but I have looked over male friends’ dating profiles.
I think my best guy friend would be one of the better men out there, but he just got out of a seven-year relationship, is in a hurry to settle down before 30, and comes off really intense in his profile and messages without realizing it. Three big red flags right there.
One example in his profile: while it isn’t a red flag to like cuddling, it is one to say his idea of a perfect first date is meeting for coffee, then going back to his place to cuddle and watch a movie. It took a lot to convince him to revise that section on the grounds that most women prioritize safety and won’t want to go back to a man’s place on the first date.
… a perfect first date is … going back to his place to cuddle and watch a movie …
WTAF!? That’s incredibly clueless!
-Long lists of requirements in a partner.
-Expecting “entertainment” or for matches to have to prove themselves in some way.
-The majority of their profile is talking about things they hate.
-“Traditional gender roles” - nothing against this if it’s how both partners are happy, but it almost always translates to massive entitlement and avoidance of responsibilities.
-“Traditional gender roles”
I just thought of this: Whose traditions? 🤣
Im Jewish and while we do have “standard” traditional gender roles, we have:
- Traditions where men take care of the kids and women work
- Traditions where both of them take care of the kids
- And finally (but also more traditionally Jewish), traditions where both work and the community takes care of the kids
In Judaism all of those are correct and traditional. However, in Judaism none of them are enforced by the torah (its more descriptive rather than prescriptive) so you can just ignore them and still consider yourself traditional.
-Long lists of requirements in a partner.
I should have thought of that. “A lot of thou shalt not this, thou shalt not that” like an income tax return is definitely red flag territory.
“NO BI GIRLS”. I get why women fear this but this phrase doesn’t say a lot about her tolerance.
Demands about the kind of message they want. I’ve seen a few women say things like “if you want a message back you’ve got to say more than just ‘great tattoos’ it has to be a really stimulating opener”. Ffs when you’ve got a 3 line profile I don’t have a lot to go on!
Men with any kind of aggression towards women in their profile.
Men with jokes about women that have a nasty streak.
So…many…
I understand what you’re saying, however as a lesbian the last time I tried dating online I had lots, and I mean SHITLOADS, of nice chats with women who, after a week of working up to ready for a RL date, then dumped on me that they’re happily married and were looking for a side piece / unicorn / partner in cuckolding / you name it.
This was with a thorough profile that clearly stated that I was looking for a monogamous life partner who was a woman or somewhere on the fem to androgynous spectrum.
I also had lots of messages from men, even though my profile was set to receive messages from women only.
In 6 months of trying every day I’d managed one date that went badly. It was bad enough that I gave up on the idea and deleted my profile, and was on my own for a year … then I met my now-wife while doing a sociable hobby. She’s bi, and not weird about it.
Fuck online dating, and fuck any women who attach “bi” to their self descriptions who just want to treat lesbians like a sex toy. It’s their fault we have to put that in our profiles.
Christ, i wonder how many of those women were actually bi and how many were just brainwashed unicorn hunters
All from column 2, I think.
I believe that a large chunk of biphobia comes from LG&T peoples experiences with this sort of thing.
Lord those are particularly bad experiences I’m sorry you went through that. I see it differently but I understand your point of view
It’s the reason the message gets put on profiles, rightly or wrongly … sorry.
If you’re serious then message them authentically anyway (maybe mention that you’re single and serious about a real relationship), 95% won’t care that you’re bi and the remaining gold star lesbians are insufferable anyway ;-)
Just to be real, if a profile says no bi girls, anyone who is coming into things authentically is just going to respect that (or not want a partner who is okay with biphobic sentiments like that) and simply not message. Anyone you’re trying to exclude is not reading that far.
No mate it’s not that, it’s just that I do a lot of voluntary work in the community and I’ve seen the impact on bi people. Plus my own beliefs are we all have to stand together as a community. I’ve had truly awful experiences with 2 bi partners though so I do get it. Including the classic bi stereotype of cheating on me with a man…
Duly noted … and yes, the community should stick together. But. When it comes to personal choices of who to engage with with a view to forming an intimate bond, then people have to be able to set their own parameters.
I understand your perspective 😊
As someone who is bi (well, 2 on Kinsey if you go aulde skoole; the kiddies would probably use pan), please let me apologize for the faux-bis treating you like you’re just a playing piece in a game. That kind of behaviour is utterly repulsive and those who engage in it deserve to be shamed publicly for it.
You don’t have to apologise for the behaviour of others, I just wanted to provide context for why it happens!
“NO BI GIRLS”. I get why women fear this but this phrase doesn’t say a lot about her tolerance.
I’d factor culture in here. There are tragic reasons for why bisexual people in China are not liked in the queer community, for example. Not legit, but understandable.
Yep IME it’s usually painful experiences behind it. What’s the story with bisexual people in China?
First you have to understand the INCREDIBLE pressure young people, men and women alike, are under to procreate in China. This dates back thousands of years and shows no signs of slackening. There is tremendous pressure from family, from friends, and from society in general to be married and with child by the age of 25. ABSOLUTE TOPS.
Note: this pressure is applied if you’re gay or lesbian. Everybody in a queer relationship knows that they’re doomed. That they’ll be forced, in the end, to be in a loveless marriage with someone they don’t have any attraction with so they can together raise a child.
Am I painting a bleak enough picture? Lesbians in particular are the ones who get hit hardest because they bear the costs of child-bearing and the ones who get saddled with raising children alone when, inevitably, the husband divorces her (c.f. the loveless marriage bit).
Now there are mitigating strategies that the queer communities use. There’s the “co-bearding” approach where gay couple Aaron and Barry arrange to marry lesbian couple Caitlin and Dinah. So officially and publicly Aaron and Caitlin are married as are Barry and Dinah, but in reality the actual couples are Aaron/Barry and Caitlin/Dinah. It works, but is pretty complicated and not really available to everybody despite the best efforts of the queer community.
But bisexuals are a monkey wrench in all that. They don’t have that unhappy end that most queer romances end up in. So let’s say I get into a relationship with a woman here, I’m fine, she’s fine. We’re in love. We’re enjoying each other’s company. But we both know that this is non-permanent. There’s a huge difference though: I pass as het. When (not if) the pressure forces me to seek a husband and procreate, I can do that and have a loving marriage with a man who turns my crank just like my current lover does. She doesn’t have that happy outcome.
And that generates INTENSE resentment.
That’s sad but really interesting thanks
Make me laugh
