There is this girl I like, she knows I would like to go on a date with her someday. She isn’t sure what she wants at the moment. That’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her. And I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship anymore. It screws with my psyche, it’s like only being allowed to smell a fine wine instead of drinking it. (bad analogy, but fuck it)
I’ve had enough. I just want to tell her I don’t like seeing her on just a friendship level any more. And if she doesn’t see me as a romantic partner, which is totally A-okay fine with me, but it will mean I’m walking away from this friendship all together. At the same time I don’t want to force her to make a decision (she sometimes has trouble saying no). And here’s the real son of a gun, she is highly suicidal and takes endings of friendship badly (as she herself has said).
So does anyone have any advice to spare here? Yes, I’m a terrible person so think of it for her sake. Because the friendship is going to end, one way or the other.
See, what you do is, step 1, buy a mansion. With a huge basement.
Step 2, install several cages in that basement. Full iron bar.
Step 3, hire ninjas to use sleeping darts on her to knock her out.
Step 4, imprison her naked in one of your many basement cells. Each of these cells has a human sized hampster wheel. She now has to run on this hampster wheel all day. Doing so produces electricity, which powers your house.
Step 5, repeat steps 3-4 until all the cells are filled with more naked slaves!
Step 6, install webcams and start a business called “WeRunOnHampsterWheels.com”. Create a new fetish based on bouncy boobs running on a hampster wheel, which you now have a temporary monopoly on, and a head start, and an unfair advantage in being able to create live content 24/7 for free.
Never once show your face in this house. Ever.
Step 7, after years of hampster wheel slavery, you “break into” the mansion, and find this woman you used to know who hasn’t been seen in like 15 years.
Step 8, tell her you COULD get the key hanging on the wall, and set her free…but you only want to see her in a dating sense.
She’ll be so thsnkful that she’ll agree to anything.
Checkmate!
Where am I supposed to get a hamster wheel??
Also, I feel like at that last stage we may as well just remain friends.
See…this is why you’re having trouble finding dates. Women love a man who has his shit together, and has multiple hampster wheels!
I love your commitment to spelling “hampster” with a “p”. At first I thought it was a typo, but now I see it’s crucial to the thing.
But New Hampshire and dumpster have a p…!!
Edit: I JUST FIGURED IT OUT. YOU, CHILD OF THE 90s, IT’S BECAUSE HAMPSTER DANCE WAS SPELLED WITH A P. We are fine, we are sane, but we are still recovering from the 90s Internet. Oh, in so many ways. I can’t believe it took me 30+ years to realize the origin of the P.
Kids these days think they’re going to get a date without building a medieval hampster wheel powered trebuchet first, our education system has failed.