This is an inclusive community for all things women. Whether you’re here for make up tips, feminism or just friendly chit chat, we’ve got you covered.
I feel like men can do all of those things, so I don’t see why we are excluding them. Just because it’s a women-centric community doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be allowed. I think we should exclude people who are bigoted instead, or even people who just don’t “get” women’s issues.
Aside: I’m personally irritated that make-up is what’s considered a woman-centric topic. That’s kind of reductive – not everyone is femme.
I have a question for men who ask this question:
Why must you absolutely be here? There are literally thousands of communities on Lemmy and yet you’re offended that one doesn’t want your presence.
Think carefully about why that is. Think carefully about why you’re choosing to come into the community you’re clearly not welcome in (given the very rules of said community) to whine about how you’re not welcome in it instead of just shrugging and saying “guess that’s not for me”.
When you realizeIf you ever realize why you just did that, then you’ll also quite magically understand why the community rules are the way they are. I’ll give you a free clue, though, to help you to your realization: your very insistence on asking is why the rule is the way it is.Honestly I think a majority of the men commenting don’t even notice the community they’re posting in, let alone read the rules. It happens a lot when a post reaches /c/all and a flood of outside users suddenly are interacting with the post.
Luckily this means a lot of them are not too impolite about it (even if some of them get defensive).
Between the jumping-spider-reflexes of the mod team and, yeah, the actually pretty level-headed responses of the men I’ve seen who’ve stumbled here, this has been pretty good. I was expecting to see a whole lot of manosphere rage in the modlog and … haven’t.
This is a nice place!
Well, your response is identical to, for instance, the response given in terf communities I used to peruse. (Relax – I’m a better person now.) The reason I am asking is that I think exclusivity is a bad thing, rather than the absence of a good thing – i.e., the world would be better with fewer exclusive places.
I’d counter with this – why don’t you want men in the community? And does the answer you give to that apply to every man, or just a subset? I understand, of course, that the easiest way to exclude that subset is to exclude all men, and I wouldn’t want to ask the mod team to do more work for free.
I think the core of why women-only spaces (or any affinity-based spaces) exist is that sometimes, people need a “room” where they don’t have to explain themselves from scratch, justify their feelings, or brace themselves for misunderstandings, no matter how well-intentioned. It’s about having a place where you can relax and be understood without constantly translating your experience or others.
Exclusivity sometimes matters
It’s a bit like why people form Chinese-only groups, or native women-only circles, or even expat meetups. It’s not necessarily about thinking outsiders are bad or unwelcome as people; it’s about the relief of not having to explain cultural references (like 关系, say), background pain points, or subtle social cues. Even the most well-meaning outsider, by virtue of their different life experience, can unintentionally disrupt that sense of “home base.” And sometimes, you just want to be with people who get it, so you can drop your guard for a while.
Constant explanation is draining
Even when outsiders are respectful and curious, their presence often means the group’s energy shifts from sharing and healing (or even just shooting the shit) to explaining and justifying. It’s not about active hostility; it’s about emotional labour. Imagine a Chinese-only group where a non-Chinese person keeps asking (genuinely!) for explanations of idioms, jokes, or cultural references. It’s not malicious, but it’s exhausting for the group members who just wanted to chat freely.
By way of analogy, imagine a French-language only room that permits monolingual anglophones. How much time would be wasted on translating things people say to a non-francophone? How much energy and effort would be spent on servicing the needs of the anglophone participants at the expense of the people the group is ostensibly for?
Yes. That masculine/feminine divide can sometimes be that vast.
The “Five Geek Social Fallacies”
This ties into the “Five Geek Social Fallacies,” especially the first one: “Ostracizers are Evil.” The idea is that some people believe any exclusion is inherently bad, but in reality, boundaries are necessary for healthy communities. (I stressed that because it’s an incredibly important point.) Not every space has to be for everyone, and that’s okay. Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do is recognize when your presence isn’t needed, and respect that boundary.
It’s not #AllMen (or #AllOutsiders)
It’s not that every man, or every outsider, is a problem. It’s just that the group can’t function as intended if it’s always on alert for the possibility of being misunderstood, having to explain basics, or, in the extreme case, having to defend its existence. The easiest, kindest way to preserve that space is to set a clear boundary, even if it means some good people are left outside. It’s not a judgment on those people, it’s a recognition of the group’s needs.
Exclusivity in these contexts isn’t about hostility or superiority. It’s about creating a rare, valuable space where people can be fully themselves, unfiltered and unguarded. Sometimes, that means drawing a line—not because outsiders are bad, but because the group’s needs come first in that particular space.
I hope that helps clarify where I’m coming from.
As a man, I’m only commenting on this here because it was explicitly framed as a question to men.
There are several reasons a man might feel this way.
Firstly, it’s blatant sexist discrimination. I won’t claim it’s unjustified discrimination, but it is unambiguously sexist discrimination, and sexist discrimination feels unjust. I don’t see any communities which specifically disallow women, and I’m quite sure such a policy would be immediately challenged. I doubt “your very insistence on asking is why the rule is the way it is” would be considered an acceptable justification.
Secondly, it feels like forced silence. Not only for mundane topics that a man may have thoughtful input for, but more importantly when men in general are targeted for the particular behaviors of individuals. Watching your half of the population be unilaterally lambasted, sometimes unfairly, and being deleted when you try to defend the bulk of your demographic feels oppressive. I’m sure women feel similarly when a group of men generalizes all women to be behaviourally identical to their toxic exes.
Then there’s just good old fashioned, gender-neutral human nature. When someone tells you you can’t do something, that just makes you want to do it more. Forbidden fruit and all that.
I’d wager the first is probably the most impactful though. It just feels unjust and hypocritical to be barred from a discussion based purely on sexist discrimination, especially when the reverse discrimination is so vigorously opposed. That kind of unilateral isolation is helping to drive a wedge between men and women, and I’ve watched it push normal young men to misogynist influencers (e.g. Andrew Tate) over time.
That said, I can understand the desire for such a space. I’m just trying to shed light on the mindset. Sure, there are plenty of misogynists that are trying to be disrespectful, but I think most men who would want to participate just feel the exclusion is hypocritical. Spot banning misogynists is obviously totally fine, but blanket deleting every man, regardless of content, feels like a blatant double standard.
I think dandelion nailed it in the other reply though: I don’t make a habit of checking the community and its rules when I respond to a post, I’m just scrolling Everything and engaging with content and discussions I find interesting. I’ve commented here in the past for that exact reason, before noticing the community rules. I’ll probably do so again unintentionally in the future if I don’t notice the community. So it goes.
I hope mods keep this up since I’m sincerely trying to answer the question specifically directed at men, but I get it if not. shrugs This isn’t a community for me, and personally I’m fine with that. Just might be worth at least considering why a non-toxic man might feel inclined to comment.
And here we go. The first whiner who absolutely must speak in a group that is explicitly not for him. There are thousands of communities to choose from, but he absolutely had to choose this one. And naturally had to choose the language of oppression, distorting it beyond all reason to soothe his fragile ego.
This is why I’m glad we have a mod team that has jumping-spider reflexes.
You asked…