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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-04-20 04:04:08+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Remarkable-Rust-230
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH for not rescheduling my wedding after my sister was widowed?
Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, possibly struggles with grief
Mood Spoilers: sad, but happy at the end
Original Post: March 27, 2025
I (34M) am supposed to get married next month. Now I’m not sure it’s going to happen.
My partner’s sister (35F) was widowed last month. I’ve gotten a front row seat of how it has rocked my soon to be in-laws. Everyone has really tried going above and beyond for his sister, making sure she’s as comfortable as possible. And I truly can’t imagine, you know? You’d probably have to institutionalize me if something happened to my boy.
My partner’s mom came to him a few days ago and asked if he would consider postponing the wedding. She said they would cover all the lost money, would help us re-plan, etc. Apparently his sister has said there’s no way she can attend the wedding, and his mom knew how important it was to him to have her there, so she just wanted to offer an alternative plan.
I’m not very sentimental, but my partner is. Our wedding was planned for the 10 year anniversary of when we met. That’s something that meant a lot to him, which makes it mean a lot to me, too.
I’m trying to be sympathetic, but I’m just fucking raging. I can’t help it. My emotions aren’t allowing me to be objective. I know his mom came to him in good faith, but it makes me so angry to think about this being put on his shoulders a month before our wedding. He was so excited. And now I’m worried that if we don’t reschedule, he’s just going to be in his head the whole time, feeling guilty and unable to fully enjoy himself.
I know his sister is hurting. I’m trying my absolute hardest not to piss off the family that is soon to be mine, one that’s already mine in a lot of ways. Still, I’m so mad. I’d appreciate some objective POVs.
EDIT: Getting lots of shes and hers in and comments. I’m a man. Doesn’t having much weight in the story, just wanted to clear it up.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: This sounds like something you should discuss with your partner not random people on the internet. Until you do you don’t actually know how he feels. Whatever you decide together is the right decision for you as a couple. Just understand that there may be consequences with familial relationships depending on the choice you make.
OOP: We’ve talked and he’s torn. I’m trying to follow his lead because this impacts him more than me.
But I’m just so frustrated. Never at him, but them for putting him in his position, by putting this weight on his shoulders. Planning has been a lot of work, but it’s exciting because we know what’s coming. Now we either have to do it for a second time, rebooking everything without that same excitement, or we have a wedding where no matter how good my partner feels, there will be guilt and sadness thrown in too. It’s unfair.
I’m half inclined to agree to cancel it all and elope. No distractions, just us.
Commenter 2: Cancel, get the money back from the in laws. Elope to somewhere fantastic. Throw a KILLER first anniversary party.
OOP: I’m open to this. I’ve always been indifferent to a big wedding. That’s why I’m so focused on my husband’s feelings throughout all of this. This is his baby. I just want to see him so, so happy.
I’ll talk to him about it. As long as he’s satisfied, I am. And I guess there is an asshole part of me that’s still frustrated with how long we spent planning only to have it thrown away, but that’s something I’m trying to work on. Being flexible isn’t always my strong suit.
Downvoted Commenter: Yea YTA. Do you have no empathy/sympathy? While I understand you have a wedding with a lot of expenses. This is a situation where you make the best of it as it wasn’t intentional. Harboring resentment over something like this is WILD.
OOP: Of course I have sympathy for them. I hate that any of this happened. Her husband was a good man.
It’s not about the expenses. I’m frustrated because my priority, my partner, is being put in a really shitty position. I’m more mad at the world than at his family. I just know how much this means to him. Like, that’s my guy. My other half. I hate knowing he has to make this decision, I hate that he’s going to feel selfish and weird about going through with something he’s put his time/effort/heart into. It all fucking blows.
OOP on if his in-laws really like him
OOP: My soon to be mother-in-law and I are really close. There have been circumstances in my life that have made me really wary of parental figures, but I trust her completely. That’s why I know she made the offer with good intentions.
OOP should consider on working things out with his fiance to figure out what steps to take and have grace for his SIL and MIL, especially his partner on the family tragedy
OOP: I appreciate the perspective.
Taking care of my fiancé feels like the easiest thing in the world. It always has. Taking care of other people doesn’t come quite so naturally. For a large portion of my teens and early 20s, I was pretty isolated. Being by myself was something of a survival mechanism back then. And then I met him. I was kind of like the human embodiment of a one-human pet who loves one person and reluctantly puts up with everyone else.
I’ve grown up a lot in the decade I’ve known him. His family has been really good to me. But I think in times like these, when I’m scared and angry and sad, I go back to my one-human stray cat mode.
Hoping that made even the tiniest semblance of sense. Not sure why all these animal analogies are coming out in my comments either.
The point is, sometimes I’m not great at big picture. I can’t imagine what it would be like in her shoes, having to go on with the knowledge of so many unlived moments. I’m not trying to be unempathetic at all. I’m just trying to juggle a lot right now.
OOP on his fiance making decisions regarding the wedding and how he is supporting him
OOP: My fiancé is going to make a decision over the next coming days, and I’m going to support whatever he chooses. This would be suuuper nice though. I would love two weeks far, far away from everyone in the world besides him.
Thank you for the kind comments, they mean a lot. I love him in a way I wish I could tell 15 year old me about to give old me some hope. I would do any number of ridiculous things to make him happy. He’s the kindest, sweetest person. Gentle and warm. I learn so much from him. :)
Update: April 13, 2025 (2.5 weeks later)
I’m a married man. :)
I let my husband take the lead on making the decisions here and let him know I would support whatever he chose. After some discussion, we decided to cancel the wedding and elope instead. My husband said he wouldn’t feel right, gathering all his family and our friends without his sister present, but it was still very important to him that we got married on the date we first met.
It was perfect. It was exactly the right choice. It was quiet and intimate and us. There’s nothing in the world I love more than seeing him smile, and he was stuck in perpetual :D mode. I was so worried if we had the wedding, I would look over and see him looking anything less than thrilled because it wasn’t how he envisioned it without his sister there. I think the complete change in expectation made it easier for him to let go. Again: exactly the right choice. We’re on cloud nine.
In the lead up, there was a lot of calling vendors, friends, and family to let them know we were cancelling. It was very short notice and we weren’t rescheduling anything, so we lost all of our deposits. Our loved ones were really understanding of our decision, at least over the phone. We had very few people flying in, only three friends, and his mom agreed to cover their flights as well.
Finally, to address my anger. Most of it was directed towards the universe, but I’ll admit that I was mad at my mother-in-law. Discussions about our wedding and his sister’s grief were ones we were already having. Still, a third party coming to him and making this request felt cruel, in the moment. It felt like a guilt trip, like unnecessary pressure on my husband when he was already having to make these decisions anyway. We eventually made the choice we wanted to make, but he did tell me at one point he didn’t want his mom to think he was heartless if we had the wedding without his sister.
Emotions were running high for everyone. I don’t think his mom would ever think he’s heartless. I know no one was out to get us. His mom was doing her best to make the day comfortable for everyone and navigating that is basically impossible. Still, I’m not sorry for my anger. And maybe that still makes me the asshole, but I’ll be the asshole who loves his husband and puts him first in every …
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