This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-04-19 04:02:06+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/FewImpression6465
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITA for telling my dad he has to decide between me attending his wedding and accepting I won’t take part in the family unity ceremony or accept I won’t be there?
Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: child abandonment, manipulation, health issues, neglect, emotional abuse
Mood Spoilers: anger and sadness
Original Post: April 10, 2025
My dad’s engaged to his partner of 2ish years. They moved in together last month and their wedding is in December. I (17m) am dad’s only bio kid. His almost wife has 3 kids of her own. Her kids are younger like under 10, maybe they’re even all under 8 I’m not that sure. They decided they want to do a family unity ceremony and have it be about becoming one family instead of the two of them being a married couple. His future stepkids are excited by the idea and want to take part. I don’t and won’t take part. I already explained to him that I’m not interested and can’t be talked into it. He asked me why and pushed for me to reconsider. He told his wife and she’s freaking out because her kids have this idea that they’ll get a big brother out of this marriage and my dad and her told the kids we’ll be real siblings once the two of them are married.
All of this despite the fact I really don’t know her or her kids. I have really only spent any real time with the kids twice and it was more me trying not to be a dick than me wanting to spend time or get to know them. I think that and I think that’s obvious because I don’t know their actual ages.
Some background to explain some relationship dynamics because I’m sure there are questions. My dad raised me alone. My mom took off when I was less than a year old. I don’t remember her. I don’t remember her being around. Her family wasn’t around or in my life either. I didn’t have a lot of family besides my dad growing up. Except for one of his siblings. And for most of my life dad was a good dad. But when I was maybe 11 he started preparing me for the fact he wanted his own life and travel the world when I turned 18 and I’d be on my own. He talked about how I should not expect to see him very often and to expect we might not see each other for years sometimes and how he doesn’t want to be tied down until he dies. That he would call or answer calls when he wasn’t busy with life. He said some stuff that made me believe he resented the fact he raised me alone and had to change his life for me.
He never actually let up on that. He talked about it so much that we started to fight and I told him I got it and he was done being a dad at 18 and he told me I was being dramatic. I argued that he told me I could go five or maybe even more years without seeing him and he didn’t want to be tied down. That he might even ignore calls so he could “live life”. I told him that sounded like he wanted to stop being a dad. He told me I focused on the wrong parts. When we argued about it other times he said that he wanted the life he missed out on and he wasn’t waiting around for me to be ready. That I’d land on my feet eventually and I wouldn’t be his kid anymore I’d be his peer. Which he then said I picked up wrong.
But basically for years I have been prepared to leave at 18 and not have my dad in it.
Then he met his almost wife and all that talk about traveling the world was gone. He started to become a dad to her kids. He was spending time with them and building a life with them. Eventually he tried to include me but that was only really in the last four or five months. But I’ve ignored it. I did babysit twice for them. Once when his almost wife was rushed to hospital and the second time when his almost wife had a follow up surgery for health issues she has.
My dad has tried to argue that our family is growing and I should be trying harder to be included in it. I told him that won’t happen. And if he wants whatever half assed relationship he planned to have with me before then he needs to accept that. That I’ll come to his wedding if he wants me there as long as he accepts I won’t be a part of that ceremony and if he can’t accept it then I won’t go and he’ll need to accept that.
His almost wife heard us talk it out and she said I’m not taking the 11 good years into it and I’m punishing her children for my dad not being perfect and that isn’t fair to them. She told me a good person would be glad dad decided to stick around and love the new people, especially the kids, and want better for them.
AITA?
And for full disclosure I have about a month to go until I’m 18 and my plan is to move out that day.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
Downvoted Commenter: This is a tough situation. I mean NTA for feeling how you feel towards your dad. It has to hurt being prepped to be solo at 18 for so long and then he changes his mind, for her.
However it sounds like your problem is with your dad and you’ve not really gotten a chance to know her or her kids. I wouldn’t immediately throw away the chance to build a strong family unit.
If anything I’d tell him no unless you two do some family therapy to see if you can overcome this.
OOP: I don’t want a family unit with them. I accepted before they came along that I would be on my own and there’s nothing dad can say or do now to change the fact he’ll stay for them but not me. Even therapy won’t make me want to work on overcoming this. I have friends who are more like family to me than he is now.
Commenter 1: NTAH. Your dad set the parameters of your relationship when you were still young and drummed them into your head. Now that his priorities have changed, he acts surprised that you are not interested in a different relationship. Go live your life.
OOP: He must have expected me to be the same upset 11 year old who first found out what his dad had planned. But I knew he was serious so I thought about and planned for when that time comes.
11 year old me was so sad and worried. It felt like nobody wanted me. My mom hadn’t wanted me and left and my dad was basically saying he regretted sticking around to raise me and would leave once he wouldn’t get in trouble for it. I had no idea what I was going to do.
Commenter 2: If those are the only resolutions you’re willing to accept then that would make you TAH. You’re essentially just saying you have no interest in being a family and that will 100% cause an everlasting crack in your family even if you ever decide to be part of the family again
However your 100% justified in how you feel, also how your father’s words and actions made you feel. That there is no denying how shitty that is. However, his intentions might also include the fact that he could die tomorrow and you’d be left alone. It makes me think that his words and actions wanted to also prepare you to be able to survive on your own since you don’t really have any other close family to rely.
To me, the circumstances have changed a lot and it really sounds like both his soon to be wife and your father want you to be a part of their family unit. At least for now…
If you’re adamant that you never want anything to do with this new part of his family or your father then go along with the ultimatums you’ve set for yourself. Because this is the path you’re setting up for yourself.
OOP: That’s exactly what I am saying. I have no interest in making these people my family. I have no interest in clinging to a man who was ready to discard me and is only changing his plans for new people. Who only tried to include me later on. It’s not like he worked to make up for the things he said and plans he made for all those years.
And he knew I was working to save so I could move out at 18. He knew I was saving to have a life when he wasn’t there. At no point did he say he was sorry. He only ever argued that I saw the worst of what he was saying. But every time he tried to make a new point he made it worse. And I have worked my ass off to be ready for him to leave and it got to a point where I knew that was better because why pretend to see the best in a person who resents me for something I couldn’t control, like being born.
Commenter 3: Can you make a deal like you’ll do it if he’ll pay for college?
OOP: I’m not going to college but no, I wouldn’t do it to get his money or for him to pay for something.
OOP on saving money for when he moves out
OOP: I’ve been saving for years now. I have enough to follow through on the plans I made and then I will work hard when I move to keep my head above water.
OOP’s plans when he is out of the house
OOP: Me and one other friend will be temp renting a place until after graduation and our other friends can settle. Then we’re moving and getting a place together. We’ve talked about it a lot and stuff has started to be set in motion already. Only one needs it like I do but the others are all on board because to them it’s us sticking together and them helping the two of us. But they’re really excited that we’ll all be roommates too.
**Is OOP pla…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1k2npfe/aita_for_telling_my_dad_he_has_to_decide_between/
Op is going to need all the therapy. Dad doesn’t deserve the title. He banged a woman and got upset he got saddle with the “burden”. Bet he us pissed mom left first. Then showed no love to his son. Step mom needs to rethink all this. This is the guy she is exposing her kids too.
Is OOP planning to locate his biological mother?
OOP: No, I don’t want to put myself through more rejection. If she were to come looking for me then maybe I’d be open to contact but I can’t chase after another parent.
Update: April 12, 2025 (two days later)
I debated posting my update and I still might chicken out but I’ll write it out and see whether I post or not. I know people wanted an update and I was asked to talk more about what my plans were. I shared some details in my original post but things have changed because I moved out. Technically kicked out.
On the day I made my post I had plans to sleep at a friends house. Once I got there my dad sent a text saying his partner was rushed to the hospital again and he needed me to babysit again. I told him no once and that was it. A few hours later my dad asked where the hell I was and why had I said no when this was an emergency. He sent multiple texts but when he realized I really wouldn’t babysit and had stayed “wherever the hell I was” he went off on and he told me if I won’t babysit and be there for the family then I better stay gone. He texted me the next morning (yesterday technically) and said I was not living under his roof after that stunt and to stay the fuck gone.
I knew he meant it so when everyone was out I went to the house and grabbed everything I had prepared to leave with when following my plan exactly. That included all the important documents I had, clothes and anything I bought or that was given to me by people who aren’t my dad. It was basically all ready to go anyway and I got in and out without a fight.
My friends parents are letting me stay until I can follow through with my original plan which was to get somewhere with a friend locally until we all graduate and then some friends and I will be moving state. We’ve been working on this for a long time now. Honestly I have been working my ass off to save money to be able to leave regardless of whether I had help from friends but having them definitely helps.
My dad sent more texts since I grabbed all my stuff. He tried to guilt and shame me and talked about how much the kids needed me and I wasn’t there. But he also let out way more of his resentment toward me and it confirmed what I already knew about him. He doesn’t regret the way he treated me since I was 11. He meant every word he said. And that he expected me to pay him back for raising me.
But I won’t. I’m not staying to be treated like shit. He still wants me out of his house and he reminded me that I was not welcome back. That he better not come home to find me there ever again.
So that’s my update. It’s been a crazy day/couple of days and I got so many comments on my post. Way more than I expected. I know a few people tried to convince me that he really did love me and didn’t resent me and was trying to make it up to me. But after all this I’m more convinced he resents me and the trying to include me lately was an act to make me someone who could do stuff for him. I don’t believe I ever had the dad I originally thought I had. Because I don’t think an actual good and loving dad would shut it all off one day for no good reason.
Things have changed a little but I’ll keep working toward my plan. I’ll also make sure I make it up to my friends parents because I know this was unexpected for them and I’m grateful they let me stay.
Relevant / Top Comments
OOP on if he has any other family members or if he knows his mother’s side
OOP: No and I never knew anything about them. I never met or knew any family except for one of dad’s siblings. And I don’t have a relationship with them anymore.
Commenter 1: NTAH
You need a lawyer. You’re still 17 so he owes you child support. You have all the evidence to go to the police if necessary. Talk to your friend’s parents and ask them, your dad must pay, if he wants or not.
OOP: I’m not going to fight for child support. I know it would screw him but I just want to get away from him and being locked in some court battle with him would just be a stress I don’t need when I need to focus on more important things.
Commenter 2: His new family are in for one helluva shock when he latest facade drops and they realise who they are stuck with.
You’ve handled all this with maturity beyond your years; have a brilliant life!
OOP on his father’s wedding
OOP: After everything that’s happened now I won’t be attending. Like at all. There’s no once a year or once a decade relationship going to happen anymore. I won’t offer back what he offered to me.
Commenter 3: So glad you got everything out. Regarding your mom you only have his version. Your mom may not have abandoned you like your dad told you. Your dad is abusive and let’s get this straight. You do not owe him a damn thing for being raised. Keep all of the text messages in case you need them. Get through school and then please attempt to find some of your mom’s relatives and make sure she is here. Your dad showed his true colors. Don’t ever fall for a nice act from him. My never go over there or ever be alone with him. I would believe nothing he said. I think he is possibly lying about your mom.
OOP: I’ll be honest I don’t want to do a search like that anytime soon, if ever. I’ve had enough shit to deal with and there’s still a chance they are both shitty humans who didn’t want me.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
